my horoscope said Today would be a good day

It starts today. My beautiful family that I have not seen in 5 years arrive today. I am writing this blog piece today. I am finishing all of my midterms today. Because today is not tomorrow, and it's not yesterday; it's today.

So what exactly am I getting at? Am I once more going to talk about the importance of living in the present? Not necessarily, but in a way.

I'm not a private person; only about certain things that I will take with me to my grave. I share a lot of my innermost thoughts on this blog seeing as it is one of my creative outlets, so here is one more: I love my family. The four people (well technically 3 if you don't count the dog but tbh at this point he is at our level as human beings) who I know I can always rely on through thick and thin. And the other day, I hugged my younger brother, voluntarily; something I have not done in a long time, and it felt amazing. I'm not saying this in a sarcastic matter, I'm being honest.

If I were to tell you all the things that have been on my mind lately, you'd probably question how I manage to get things done; even I question that sometimes. This year has been one of the most formative years of my life. I have undergone so much change mentally (and physically if you count cutting my hair) that has shaped me into the person I am today. But this change, although for good, also puts me under stress.

(Now time for something most people don't know) I often feel the presence of something plaguing me. It haunts me and just follows me around. It's not an actual person, more of the concept of a ghost. It's like how in Taylor Swift's song Anti-Hero, where she says "All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room", except it's just a single form that embodies them all. This presence isn't following me constantly. It leaves, but when I'm alone I feel it more.

Now I know that by mentioning that it sounds like really sad, but think about it, if it's only with me when I'm alone, then why be alone. I have now chosen to surround myself by people who actually care about me and enjoy my presence. Who will truly stick by me through thick and thin. Those who have lied to me and hurt me, make up the mass of that presence, so why stay with them when there is so much light waiting for me.

So here's how I'll finish; with a thank you to those who are forever by my side. To my mother for being my biggest inspiration and role model, I wouldn't like to think of where I'd be today if it weren't for you. To my dad for never failing to make me laugh. For teaching me from a young age to not tolerate bad behavior from anyone and showing me that I matter more than anyone else. And finally to my younger brother, because you are the reason I'm here today (womp womp).

-XO, Eleanor